Monday, 1 April 2013

Film Review: COCKNEYS vs ZOMBIES (2012)

Cockneys vs Zombies - poster Director: Matthias Hoene
Writers: Matthias Hoene (original idea), James Moran & Lucas Roche (screenplay)
Running time: 88 mins (approx)
Certification (UK): 15

Genre: Comedy/Horror
UK Release date: 31st August 2012

Watched on DVD Monday 1st April 2013.


Those of you that read my stuff regularly have probably figured out that I don’t get on too well with comedies. I generally find them annoying to the point of apoplexy but this is a very rare exception. I would even go so far as to say that (for me at least) it’s even better than the much vaunted ‘Sean of the Dead’!... So now all the SotD fans have left in disgust; here’s a very brief summary before I give you my thoughts.

Cockneys vs Zombies - 2 When two cockney brothers, Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy (Harry Treadaway) hear the care home their granddad, Ray (Alan Ford), lives in is to close, they decide to do something about it. Not being the brightest of lads, they decide to rob a bank with the help of their cousin, Katy (Michelle Ryan), their mate Davey Tuppence (Jack Doolan) and a nut-job called Mental Mickey (Ashley Thomas). All seems to be going well until they try to leave and find a load of coppers (police) outside. After some debate, Mickey grabs a couple of hostages, Emma (Georgia King) and Clive (Tony Gardner) and makes a bid for freedom. On exiting the bank they find all the cops have gone and there are zombies wandering about. Meanwhile, back at the care home, most of the residents, including; Peggy (Honor Blackman), Darryl (Tony Selby), Doreen (Georgina Hale), Eric (Dudley Sutton) and Hamish (the wonderful Richard Briers in his last screen role) find themselves trapped. Can the lads make it to them in time to save them from the zombie hoards?... Guess I’d better leave it there before I could say too much.

Cockneys vs Zombies - 3 There are no fancy CGI effects to speak of, most of the zombie effects rely heavily on make-up; all expertly done by the team. Although it’s not the most slick of productions, I still enjoyed it with all of its rough edges. The comedy, both spoken and visual, I found (for the most part) very funny although I do understand if people from other parts of the world might not get it. It is very British and particularly centred on the East end of London. All the performances were very good and I particularly enjoyed seeing the many older actors at the care home. There is an awful lot of ‘strong’ language and quite a bit of gore so maybe not one for a younger audience. If you liked ‘Sean of the Dead’ (& you’re still reading) I’m certain you’ll love this one!

SteelMonster’s verdict: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

My score: 8.4/10.

IMDb Score: 5.9/10 (based on 5,166 votes when this review was written).

MetaScore: No Data: (Based on 0 critic reviews provided by at the time of going to press).

Cockneys vs Zombies - 6 Rotten Tomatoes ‘Tomatometer’ Score: 73/100 (based on 30 reviews counted at the time of going to press).

Rotten Tomatoes ‘Audience’ Score: 44/100 (based on 795 user ratings counted at the time of going to press).

If you’re crazy enough… You can find me on Facebook at:

Ray Macguire: You're about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.

Ray Macguire: I know this place is closing down, but people are trying to eat their dinner. So listen, you yuppie twat, if you don't get out of here by the time I count to five, I'm going to shove that clipboard so far up your arsehole that you'll have to stick your pen up your nose to write on it. One, two, three...

Cockneys vs Zombies - 8 Eric: Those things are vampires! We need crucifixes, garlic, silver, holy water, and Christopher Lee!
Ray Macguire: No, you sloppy tart, those things are fucking zombies!

Ray Macguire: So, where do we go now?
Terry: Out the front door.
Ray Macguire: Oh, for fuck's sake. That's great. Listen everyone, we've just been rescued by Laurel and fucking Hardy.

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