Monday, 6 May 2013

Film Review: TED (2012)

Ted - poster Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writers: Seth MacFarlane (story/screenplay), Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild (screenplay)
Running time: 106 mins (approx)
Certification (UK): 15

Genre: Comedy/Fantasy
UK Release date: 1st August 2012

Watched on Sky+ Monday 6th May 2013.


I can’t say I’m the greatest fan of Seth MacFarlane’s TV show ‘Family Guy’; it has some really great comic moments and then it usually pisses me off by being extremely stupid. About four episodes is usually my limit. So how come I came to watch ‘Ted’ then? Well I guess I hoped Seth might just put in all the great comic bits I like and leave out all the stupid crap. What did we get? Well I’ll tell you after this very brief summary.

Ted - 1 When a lonely eight year old, John Bennet, makes a wish that his new teddy bear was real, to everyone’s surprise it comes true! After some initial notoriety Ted eventually falls out of the limelight but still stays with John. Flash forward and John (Mark Wahlberg) is now 35 and living with his girlfriend of four years, Lori Collins (Mila Kunis). Of course Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) is still on the scene and he and John like to hang out, smoke pot and watch movies (particularly ‘Flash Gordon’). This is not going down too well with Lori; she wants their relationship to grow and it can’t as long as Ted is on the scene. She eventually persuades John to get Ted to get a job move out into an apartment of his own. He does this but John still goes to see him every day. As time passes it all gets too much for Lori and she gives John an ultimatum; it’s either Ted or her! But Ted is having a party and Sam J. Jones (of ‘Flash Gordon’ fame) is there! Can John resist!? Add to this a creepy guy, Donny (Giovanni Ribisi), and his son who want to buy Ted and that’s about all I can tell you.

Ted - 9 So, was it worth my while investing 106 minutes of my life on this one? I have to say, on balance; not really. Yes there are some wonderfully comic moments and smart one-liners in there but I did find it drifted far too much from the sublime to the ridiculous. Also, one minute Ted is ‘Brian’ for Family Guy and the next he turns into ‘Peter Griffin’ from the same show (despite his denials). I thought both Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis did a good job; both of their characters were quite believable. Ultimately though I did find it lacked the one thing it so desperately needed; heart. Still, I’m sure the many devotees of ‘Family Guy’ will love this one but for me, sadly, it’s a bit of a dud.

SteelMonster’s verdict: NOT RECOMMENDED (…unless you’re a really big fan of Family Guy, in which case why haven’t you seen it yet!)

My score: 5.3/10.

IMDb Score: 7.1/10 (based on 232,626 votes when this review was written).

MetaScore: 62/100: (Based on 37 critic reviews provided by at the time of going to press).

Ted - 6 Rotten Tomatoes ‘Tomatometer’ Score: 69/100 (based on 197 reviews counted at the time of going to press).

Rotten Tomatoes ‘Audience’ Score: 80/100 (based on 172,931 user ratings counted at the time of going to press).

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[thunder is heard outside]
Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John: I am not!
[Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right.
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John: Alright.
John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
[blow raspberries]

Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Ted - 4 Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.

John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
John: Hello? Hello?

Lori: Can I give you a ride home?
John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.

Sam J. Jones: Death to Ming!

John: [Imitating Ted] Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

Ted - 10 LINKS:
(Note: All were working at the time of going to press)
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